remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
