I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
