Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
