And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
