I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize