Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
