I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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