my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
