2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
