Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
