Well apparently he's into motor boating.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
