Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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