Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
