I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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