I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
