Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
