I have demons in me.
I looked at my own cervix.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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