i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
