Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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