I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
