don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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