My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
