Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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