I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
