Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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