On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
