Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
