Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
