he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
