If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
