My hair reeks of homosexuality.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
