I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
