Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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