I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
