I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I would fuck him just for his dog
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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