I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
