maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
