He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
