We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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