When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
