she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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