I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
