I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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