I met the friendliest cop last night
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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