FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
