Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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