Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i think my cat just said my name.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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