Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
