I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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