Where is the hickey?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize