The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
