Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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