i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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