My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize