there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
