His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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