very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
