A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
