Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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