I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
